Will This Be The Last Update We Give On John Cena And Nikki Bella? (No of course not)

Ok. Folks, This is it. Seriously. I’m tired of this story. I can’t do it anymore. I am losing sleep over this crap. John Cena and Nikki Bella are clearly torturing the whole of society with their “drama.” I tried caring, I tried mocking, I tried anger. Now I just have to ignore them. Like that friend on Facebook who won’t stop posting about a “money-making opportunity” that is just a scam, I am putting mute on John and Nikki. But not before I post this ludicrous final update. Nikki Bella, in the vaguest twitter post of all time, is seemingly discounting the rumors that she and Cena are back together. Or maybe not. It is so open-ended that she could be literally talking about anything. So take it all in. This is it. We’re done after this.

Unless of course, another story or rumor drops. I can’t help it. I am addicted to this story. JUST MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!

Ok, here’s the original story on their fake-real-kayfabe-legit-reunion from May 21st.

Welp. I guess I was sort of half-right. It looks like John Cena and Nikki Bella are getting back together. Maybe. Or maybe they were never really apart? Or ever really together? How CONVENIENT this comes out the day after the premiere of the new season of Total Bellas. Maybe we all just got WORKED. I love that I wrote hundreds of words on their need for privacy and how this is a serious, solemn situation! FJA;lkjdas;dfjals dkfj;lasfkj;as….

*takes a breath and sip of coffee* 

Ok, here’s the story from People.

Just over one month after the longtime couple announced their split, Bella and Cena are officially on the road to reconciliation.

“They’re basically back together,” a source close to the situation tells PEOPLE.

Paparazzos photographed the couple going for coffee near their home in San Diego.

And it looks like their commitment to each other is stronger than ever!

“They’ve made it through something like this, so they feel now like really, their commitment is stronger than ever and they’re coming out the other side,” the source says.

And while the source says the couple will eventually tie the knot and start a family, they are in “no rush.”

“She’ll move back in with him eventually, for sure. But there’s no rush. They know they’re going to spend the rest of their lives together,” the source says. “This time next year they’ll be married, for sure. And then there will be a baby.”

Ugh. Just….ugh. I am not mad at them as much as I am furious at myself for not seeing an apparent wrestling angle when it was staring me right in the face. This is Macho Man Elizabeth all over again. They announced their break-up and talked about it incessantly just as the new season of Total Bellas gets announced. And now that the season started, they’re suddenly “back together.” How did I not see this? Am I just a hopeless romantic or an idiot? The answer is yes, Hunter.

This is some next-level workmanship from Nikki and John. They got the media, all of wrestling twitter, and even the WWE fooled on this.

I am furious. I am forever a cynic from now on. Maybe they don’t even really love each other. Are they even getting married? Are Brie and Bryan even married? Is Birdie even a real baby? Is Winston even a real dog? Is love even real?

I need a hug and a cigarette.