Joe Heller of Connecticut lived a colorful life. In fact, he was such a prankster, his family decided to send him out with one final prank — on him. They wrote “an exceedingly long” — yet loving — hilarious obituary. And his daughter’s say it “would have really p—ed Joe off.”
Childhood Pranks
Born in 1937 in New Haven, Conn., Joe’s pranks started young.
As the eldest of five children, Joe “led and tortured his siblings through a childhood of obnoxious pranks.”
And his other siblings “were often on the receiving end of such lessons as “Ding Dong, Dogsh*t.” He also wasn’t above “thwarting lunch thieves with laxative-laced chocolate cake.”
Of course, he didn’t spare his mother from his antics either.
“…he named his first dog, “Fart,” so she would have to scream his name to come home if he wandered off.”
Growing up did nothing to slow down Joe’s joie de vivre.
Military Service
Along with two friends, Joe set off to see the world as a young man. However, the U.S. Navy separated the trio.
Joe “pulled the long straw” and was assigned to a coveted base in Bermuda where he joined the “Seabees, Construction Battalion.”
After an honorable discharge, Joe went home to Connecticut where he met and married his wife, Irene.
His daughters wrote that he “hoodwinked [Irene] into thinking he was a charming individual with decorum. Boy, was she ever wrong.”
“Joe embarrassed her daily with his mouth and choice of clothing,” they wrote. “To this day we do not understand how he convinced our mother, an exceedingly proper woman and a pillar in her church, to sew and create the colorful costumes and props which he used for his antics.”
Irene preceded him in death.
Dad Jokes
Blessed with three daughter’s Joe had some fun with their dates as young women.
They recounted that he “would greet their dates by first running their license plates and checking for bald tires.”
And the “lucky” ones who “passed inspection” were invited inside. There they faced an array of “shotguns, harpoons, and sheep nutters”’ Joe had put on display for the visit.
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Next to his love for his family, was Joe’s love for canines.
Dog Lover
Joe “never met a dog he didn’t like” and served as the community “Dawg Kecher” for years after he retired. However, he wasn’t one to give up on any pup.
“He refused to put any of his ‘prisoners’ down and would look for the perfect homes for them,” his family says.
He even named one repeat offender “A**hole.” But they assure everyone it was “because no owner would ever keep him for very long, because he was, in fact, an a**hole.”
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As a frugal-minded man born during the Great Depression, Joe was a big fan of the local dump and thrift stores. Now left with the task of cleaning up his home, his daughters are asking for time to go through his things.
“If there was ever a treasure that he snatched out from under you among the mounds of junk,” they wrote, “please wait the appropriate amount of time to contact the family to claim your loot.”
However, they won’t have to wait long. “We’re available tomorrow,” they assure everyone.
Funeral Attire
Luckily for the funeral attendees, no black suits or dresses and hosiery is required.
The family says to dress comfortably because “Joe despised formality and stuffiness and would really be ticked off if you showed up in a suit.”
But, the family does have one specific clothing guideline.
They’ve requested guests “don the most inappropriate T-Shirt that you are comfortable being seen in public with as Joe often did.”
But don’t be on time, they advise, as “Joe was never on time for anything…”
Despite the fact that Joe’s daughters say he’d hate the length and expense of the obituary they wrote, he should be proud. It’s a testament to his good humor and quality parenting that his family chose to honor him so well.
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