The Royal Rumble was pre-taped Tuesday after SmackDown — and here are the results!

Although it will air tonight at 7pm ET — ostensibly “live” from “Phoenix” — the WWE Royal Rumble was actually pre-taped five days ago due to “scheduling and budgeting issues.”

Fans in attendance at the INTRUST Bank Arena in Kansas were required to sign a non-disclosure agreement (NDA) vowing not to reveal results from the Royal Rumble, but an anonymous source has provided Kayfabe News with the full rundown.

If you’re avoiding spoilers, stop reading now, because here’s what went down at Royal Rumble 2019:

• Pre-show: Brock Lesnar vs. Finn Balor: cancelled after Lesnar accidentally flew to Fayetteville instead of Phoenix
• Asuka vs. Becky Lynch: Asuka wins by disqualification after outside interference from Becky Lynch’s sister, Claire
• Ronda Rousey vs. Sasha Banks: one-hour time-limit draw that earns an unprecedented 19-star review from veteran wrestling journalist Dan Mutzler.
• Elias plays a full, uninterrupted 30-minute medley of his greatest hits, eventually convincing every fan in the arena that their hometown is indeed a dump and their local sports teams do, in fact, suck.
• The Bar vs. Shane McMahon and The Miz: The Bar wins by default after Shane McMahon climbs and jumps from the TitanTron for no apparent reason, severely injuring his left grapefruit.
• Buddy Murphy vs. Akira Tozawa vs. Hideo Itami vs. Kalisto: Akira Tozawa wins. Or is that Hideo Itami? Unintentionally racist fans struggle to remember which Japanese guy won.
• Daniel Bryan vs. AJ Styles: WWE just airs their 2003 match from IWA Mid-South, hoping nobody notices the different.
• Women’s Royal Rumble: Santina wins.
• Men’s Royal Rumble: In a shocking surprise, the match opens with Ax and Smash as the first two entrants. Amazingly, they both survive the entire match, and Smash eliminates Ax, meaning Smash will main-event WrestleMania.

Some members of the Kayfabe News Board of Directors have cautioned that the above results may not be trustworthy, but our anonymous source — who we can identify only as R. Dogg — insists they are accurate.

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