Jim “Kamala” Harris announces presidential bid

Fans of professional wrestling are abuzz today following the announcement that Jim Harris — better known as Kamala — has announced he will run for the presidency of the United States.

CNN reported this morning that Kamala Harris has vowed to “fight against injustices of the past two years of the Trump presidency” — although in typically shoddy reporting, the Trump-hating fake news outlet repeatedly referred to Harris as a female senator, not a belly-slapping Ugandan headhunter.

During the heyday of the “Kamala” character in the 1980s and ’90s, Harris struck fear into the hearts of opponents through nonsensical shrieks and howls, and could only be controlled by a masked handler named Kim Chee.

It seems Kamala has taken language lessons since then, given the eloquence of today’s announcement of a presidential bid: “Justice, decency, equality, freedom. democracy —  these aren’t just words,” said Harris. “They’re the values we as Ugandan-Americans cherish.”

If Kamala wins the presidency, he will become the most eloquent and civilized former WWE personality to ever hold the position, pushing Donald Trump into second place.

Although Kamala has not yet announced a running mate, it is widely speculated around Washington that the vice-presidential frontrunner is likely a raw, partially chewed fish.