McMahon promises to “shake things up” with more frantic camera zooming

Sports-entertainment impresario Vince McMahon promised fans of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) that he was going to “shake things up,” and today he followed-through on that promise by revealing that WWE programming will soon feature “200 percent more frantic camera zooming.”

At a press conference this morning, McMahon said: “WWE always strives to give fans what they want, and according to my gut feeling, they want more hyperactive camerawork to enhance the in-ring action.”

Although McMahon claims the frenetic zooming is “best for business,” a recent poll shows that a certain percentage of fans — roughly 99.3 percent of them — already find WWE’s current zooming protocols “dizzying,” “nauseating,” and “so goddamned annoying I want to dropkick the TV.”

But McMahon rebukes such claims, describing the poll as “FAKE NEWS” and insisting that “Nobody knows more about what the common fan wants than this septuagenarian carny billionaire.”

McMahon said WWE camera personnel will be required to wear shock collars, to which he will personally administer a jolt of electricity to ensure the zooming is suitably spasmatic and disorienting.

We have not yet been able to substantiate the rumor that McMahon also intends to add a “digital wobble” to all programming on the WWE Network to ensure a jarring, destabilized appearance throughout.