“Changing with the times,” WWE bans all forms of emotional and physical aggression

Vince McMahon promised to fans of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) last Monday that WWE will “change with the times,” and he made good on that promise today by announcing that “physical and emotional aggression will no longer be tolerated.”

WWE has become increasingly liberal and progressive in recent years, most notably providing more opportunities for women to shine in the spotlight, and keeping the racial stereotyping to at an offensive — but not too offensive — level of cartoonishness.

In the spirit of such inclusiveness and equality, McMahon promised today that WWE will be a “safe space” where sports-entertainers can “bring smiles to the faces of millions without the use of name-calling, belittling, or combativeness of any sort.”

McMahon said the following changes will occur in the coming weeks:

• Rather than grappling, kicking, and chopping, WWE Superstars will try to grab “pinnies” attached by velcro to their opponents’ trunks, much like in flag football
• Physical contact will only be allowed between sports-entertainers “after informed verbal consent is established”
• “Heels” and “Babyfaces” (wrestling lingo for “bad guys” and “good guys”) will now be known as “Individuals with differences of opinion which can be resolved through dialogue and mutual understanding.”
• The word “WrestleMania” will be abolished, as it stigmatizes mental illness, and will be replaced by the more inclusive term “Annual Positive Dispute Resolution Event.”
• RKOs will be required to come outta somewhere, with at least two weeks’ notice and a signed consent form

According to backstage sources, McMahon hopes to abolish the term “wrestling” altogether by 2020, but keep the WWE acronym by changing the name to “Wonderful Wholesome Entertainment.”