Sports

Witnesses say Ziggler is still selling Goldberg’s spear

According to eyewitness reports in the Greater Toronto Area, professional sports-entertainer and extraordinary “seller” Dolph Ziggler is still writhing in dramatic agony after being speared by opponent Goldberg at SummerSlam.

Ziggler was first spotted this morning clutching his ribs and moaning loudly while checking out of the Westin Harbour Castle Hotel, then limping theatrically toward a waiting airport shuttle.

The beginning of a sell-job that may continue indefinitely.

Ziggler’s epic and seemingly endless sell job began last night when, in an effort to redeem Goldberg’s reputation after a poor performance at WWE Super ShowDown in [REDACTED], he lost after an early-match spear by Goldberg. Ziggler immediately sold the maneuver with aplomb — reacting as if he had been shot in the belly by a Civil War cannon — and has not yet stopped selling.

Keen-eyed fans spotted Ziggler at Toronto’s Pearson International Airport this afternoon, where he held a hand on his lower back and hobbled in line to order a large double-double coffee from a Tim Hortons shop.

“Oh god, auuughhh,” Ziggler wailed while removing his laptop from his carry-on bag while clearing security. “Oww, oww, owwww.”

According to backstage rumours, Ziggler is contractually obligated to continue selling Goldberg’s attack until it is time for Ziggler to get his much-deserved main-event push, which experts predict will most likely occur never.

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