Sports

Lynch and heavily sedated Rollins get married at drive-through Vegas chapel

Wedding bells are ringing for popular sports-entertainers Becky Lynch and Seth Rollins after “The Man” surreptitiously drugged and abducted her fiancee last night for a drive-through wedding at a 24-hour chapel in Las Vegas.

The beautiful elopement is part of a time-honored tradition in World Wrestling Entertainment, whereby the man in a relationship slips sedatives into his (or, in his case, her) partner’s drink and whisks their lover away in a convertible for involuntary nuptials.

rollins lynch engaged
Rebecca Quincy Lynch (foreground) and Seth Todd Rollins (barely conscious) tied the knot in a ceremony described by witnesses as “familiar” and “of dubious legality.”

Twenty years have passed since the internationally televised wedding of Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Stephanie McMahon, in which a barely conscious McMahon murmured “I do” in a voice that sounded strangely like a high-pitched version of Helmsley’s.

The wedding of Lynch and Rollins was officiated by ordained minister and registered doctor of style named Rev. Slick [SURNAME UNKNOWN], and witnessed by Rollins’ brother Henry and Lynch’s sister Claire.

Following a brief but intense period of vomiting due to the sedatives, a groggy Rollins was said to be “happy but confused” about his entry into married life.

Lynch then carried Rollins across the threshold of their new home, where they were reportedly “up all night” consummating the marriage in creatively acrobatic ways that — admit it — you are now daydreaming about.

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