Sports

Goldberg says he has “at least 50 matches left” in him

Semi-retired professional sports entertainer Goldberg (real name Willy Goldblatt), emboldened after a recent decisive victory over Dolph Ziggler (real name Dolph Ziggler), announced today that he has “enough gas in the tank” to compete in the square circle at least 50 more times.

At a press conference this morning outside WWE’s Connecticut headquarters, Goldberg employed a variation of his trademark catch-phrase: “Who’s next?” he bellowed. “And next? And next? And next? And after that? And so forth.”

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Goldberg says he is considering a retirement match at WrestleMania 44. 

Goldberg, 72, explained that he made his initial WWE comeback so his young son could see him perform. “Now I want to keep wrestling until my future grandchildren can see their granddad as a superhero.”

Some fans and pundits are skeptical that Goldberg can maintain a high level of performance, given that his match against the Undertaker at Super ShowDown in [REDACTED] had the panache and precision of two greased-up male manatees competing for a mate. To be fair, the weather in [REDACTED] was very hot, and the Undertaker is a notoriously poor performer even at the best of times.

According to backstage sources, WWE boss Vince McMahon is considered Goldberg for a main-event spot at next year’s WrestleMania, potentially against Ric Flair or the late Big John Studd.

 

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