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Undertaker to Wrestle “One Final Retirement Match,” Followed by Several More

Legendary sports-entertainer The Undertaker has, after years of speculation and rumors on the subject of retirement, announced today that he will wrestle his final match this year at SummerSlam, and then at a bunch of other events too.

“Every man must someday take his own last ride,” says the Phenom, eyes rolled back in his head, in a bone-chilling video posted today on WWE.com.

The Undertaker has renamed one of his finishers to the more apt Penultimate Ride.

With thunderclaps and funereal music punctuating his words, the Deadman continues: “My last ride will transpire at SummerSlam on August 11, only on the WWE Network, and then I will take my final final last right at The Greatest Super Extreme MegaMania in Saudi Arabia on September 27.

Sources within WWE say the Undertaker’s upcoming retirement matches are the real deal, despite several false alarms in the past:

  • Most fans believed The Undertaker’s streak-ending loss at WrestleMania 30 would be his final match, and goddammit, it should have been
  • Some fans believed The Undertaker symbolically retired by leaving his hat and coat in the ring following his WrestleMania 33 match, though sources say he wandered back to the ring and grabbed them after the show because it was “jacket weather” in Orlando that night
  • A few gullible dupes thought the “Last Time Ever” match between Triple H and The Undertaker signalled retirement for both of them, but nope.
  • Some fans believed The Undertaker wordlessly signalled his retirement with his “we shit the bed” facial expression following his recent calamity with Goldberg.

The Undertaker currently has retirement matches scheduled for SummerSlam, The Greatest Super Extreme MegaMania in Jeddah, two episodes of Raw, and a nightly house show loop through Ontario, Manitoba and Saskatchewan.

 

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