Sports

Trump Vows to Slam Yokozuna at Culmination of Fourth of July Parade

WWE Hall of Famer and US “President” Donald Trump has promised that today’s Fourth of July celebration will be the “biggest, loudest, most egotistically masturbatory celebration in the history of the universe,” and will reach its pinnacle when he bodyslams nefarious Japanese wrestler Yokozuna on the deck of an aircraft carrier.

Trump seems unaware or unfazed by the fact that Yokozuna passed away 19 years ago, given that he tweeted this morning that “Lex Luger has got nothing on me,” referring to the previous American cartoon-man to have slammed the 600-pounder.

The event will happen aboard the aircraft carrier USS John McCain, though its official name has been covered by a banner that reads “USS Donald J. Trump” scrawled in what appears to be crayon.

Donald Trump (right, desecrating flag) says the inset photograph depicts of his “many practice slams” on 600-pound sumo wrestlers. “Easy peasy,” he says.

It seems that nobody in Trump’s inner circle has the courage to tell him that Yokozuna has died, nor has anyone voiced opposition to Trump’s other dubious plans for today’s event, such as:

  • Trump says he will finally grant a pardon to Sgt. Slaughter, who just wants his country back
  • Trump promises to unmask and reveal the true identity of Mr. America (whom Kayfabe News has already revealed as Dan Spivey)
  • The Washington Symphony Orchestra will play a classical arrangement of “Real American” while Trump rips off his shirt, revealing what White House doctors have insisted is a chiseled 220-pound frame with zero percent body fat.

The president has, however, cancelled all fireworks for the event after being told by friend Vince McMahon that “they get very pricey, quite frankly.”

 

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