Sports

Raw Losing New “Monday Night War” to Staring-Blankly-Into-the-Middle-Distance

WWE is now on the losing side of another war for fans' attention fin the "Monday Night War," this time to general disinterest and malaise.

Nearly two decades after finally toppling World Championship Wrestling (WCW) in the so-called Monday Night War, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) is now on the losing side of another war for fans’ attention, this time to general disinterest and malaise.

Millions of fans who watched Monday Night Raw devoutly in the past are now finding their attention diverted by more engrossing content, such as gazing, vacant-eyed, into the middle distance.

“I didn’t miss an episode of Raw for more than 15 years, but now I prefer to sit quietly and think of the color beige,” said one fan. “Sometimes I’ll turn on Raw, but by the 40-minute mark I’ve drifted into a kind of catatonic state.”

man staring
This man is “watching” Raw, though his brain is just humming the Super Mario Bros. theme over and over.

Raw’s steadily declining ratings are evidence that former fans are finding other, more meaningful ways to spend three hours each Monday, including:

  • Trying to remember the names of kindergarten classmates
  • Sighing melancholically in helpless despair over the impending climate catastrophe
  • Finally reading the instruction manual of the Vitamix
  • Alphabetizing a long-disused collection of VHS cassettes, just in case VHS becomes retro-cool someday

According to WWE.com, tonight’s episode of Monday Night Raw will see some guy vowing revenge against some other guy, and a surprise appearance by whoever, to build hype for some pay-per-view.

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