All 83 Trillion Species in Universe Celebrate Their New Champion
According to some string theorists, Rollins’ biggest challenge will come from Quantar the Entangler...
All inhabitants of the vast cosmos — from Earthlings to Betelgeusians to the Strangulous Stilettans of Jajazikstak — are united in jubilation today after Seth Rollins defeated Brock Lesnar to become the universe’s new champion.
“We, the diverse species of this infinite and mysterious universe, finally have a champion who represents us all — and shows up to Raw every week,” gurgled Slartibartfast the Magrathean, his words translated into English via babel fish.
“I mean, Brock never even left that pathetic planet Earth, for crying out loud.”
On exoplanet Kepler 452b, a gaggle of Amoeboid Zingatularians erupted into shrieks of joy at the opening match of WrestleMania 35 — which they watched via hyperspace wormhole on the WWE NeuralNetwork — when Rollins earned his rightful place as Champion of the Universe (and, by extension, the de facto overlord of roughly 72 trillion species of large canids).
While Rollins is a polarizing figure here on Earth, he is unanimously beloved across the rest of the universe, from the plasma oceans of Alpha Centauri to the darkest corners of Golgafrincham, where a species of superintelligent poets spend their nights soliloquizing about “The Architect Who Paradoxically Burns it Down.”
Rollins is already scheduled to defend his Universal Championship in a “Last Humanoid or Reptilian Standing Match” against the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal at the upcoming “Hell in a Hypercube” event, which will be available on pay-per-view for customers whose eyes can see 17 dimensions simultaneously.
According to some string theorists, Rollins’ biggest challenge will come from Quantar the Entangler, the current reigning and defending Multiversal Champion.